We’ve all heard the laundry list of things that can improve your marriage. We’ve all tried being positive, dating each other, buying gifts and being more romantic. It’s so overwhelming (& to be honest, discouraging!) But, there is one thing that we’ve heard over and over that we should do that we still aren’t doing. This one thing is so simple, anyone can do it, it doesn’t cost a thing but it reaps huge rewards for your marriage.
Recently, I was listening to an interview of a couple who had been married for 75 years. They shared so many sweet things about each other. But, the biggest thing they encouraged was taking the time & effort to really get to know your spouse. They said, “When your spouse says, ‘I remember when…’ and they share something from the past; sit down, close your mouth and listen. They are giving you a clue why they are, the way they are.” That advice is GOLD!
In modern marriage-world, we call it communication, but it is really just simply asking questions and listening. Many times we use “needing more communication” so we are heard. And that is important. But, more importantly, we need to use it to know our spouse.
In marriage, our job is to know each other well. Our goal isn’t just the absence of conflict, it is oneness. If you think about it, we don’t know each other when we get married, because we barely know ourselves! It takes time to really achieve that goal of oneness.
Sure, we all talk about stuff; the kids, vacation plans, what we want to do with the house, what we want to eat, etc. But, talking about things and other people is not deep communication. Deep communication is where you talk about your marriage, your feelings, your past, your emotions, your failures, your sex life. Your deepest communication should not be with your girlfriend.
Communication breeds intimacy. When you are one with each other in the deepest parts of your soul, you are naturally going to be intimate. No more hiding yourself or editing your feelings to keep the other person happy. No more making them guess what you like or why something bothers you.
Unfriendly people care only about themselves;
they lash out at common sense.
Fools have no interest in understanding;
they only want to air their own opinions. Prov. 18:1-2
Maybe you aren’t married, these would be great questions to begin talking about. (But, I would encourage you to invest in your marriage and go through pre-martial counseling.) Maybe you’ve been married for a long time and you struggle with intimacy. This lack of knowing each other is most likely the reason why. Bearing your soul, your dreams, your past, and your shame will bring you closer together.
Download & print off this free printable to help guide you and your spouse into a greater level of intimacy.
Blessings on your marriage!
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